Cabbits!

Note: I took this off of my friend Tyler’s Facebook page (and he took it from some paper).
<hr/>
I’m a little confused. Let me see if I have this straight…

If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re “exotic” and “different”. Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers; you’re an American story.

If your name is Barack, you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim. Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, and you’re a maverick.

Graduate from Harvard Law School and you are unstable. Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, then you’re well-grounded.

If you spend 3 years as a community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, help register 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitional Law professor, 8 years as a State Senator of a district of 750,000 people, chair the state Senate’s Health and Human Services Committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people, sponsor 131 bills, and serve on the Foreign Affairs, Environmental and Public Works, and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you don’t have any real leadership experience.

If your resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as a mayor of a town of 7,000 people, 2 years as governor of a state of 650,000 people, you’re qualified to be a heartbeat away form the presidency.

If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian. If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, left your ill wife, and married the heiress the next month, you’re a Christian.

If you teach responsible, age-appropriate sex education, including the use of birth control, you erode the fiber of American society. If you staunchly advocate abstinence-only education, while your teen daughter ends up pregnant, you’re responsible.

If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, you don’t represent America’s family values. If your husband is called “first dude”, has a DUI conviction, didn’t register to vote until 25, and was a member of a group that advocated secession of Alaska from the USA, yours is the quintessential American family.

And, finally, if you’re famous for your quick temper, you’re the one to have your finger on the red nuclear button.

OK, much clearer now.

Areej Zufari
Professor of Humanities
Valencia Community College

quote:

“Before there were Columbians, there were the French.”

- On illegal import/export

Eunoterpsia (YOO-noh-TURP-see-uh) – The doctrine that pursuing sexual pleasure is the goal of life.

Colpocoquette (KAHL-puh-koh-KET) – A woman who knows she has an attractive bosom, and who makes good use of its allure.

Thinking of listing Eunoterpsia as my religion but I think it’s more of a subset to Hedonism…which is what I more or less list already.

Backed up here in case the site I linked to in my tumblr ever goes down.

Some useful phrases to use as an Evil Overlord as given by Steve Meredith. These humorous cuts were originally listed as useful phrases to use around work but they probably only work well if you are a Evil Overlord(TM).

1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.
17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”

–Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

–Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

–William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

—Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

–Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

–Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

–Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.”

–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”

–Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”

–Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”

–John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

–Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”

–Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”

–Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”

–Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

–Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

–Mae West

“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”

–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”

–Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

—Moses Hadas

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”

—Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”

—Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”

—Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”

—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”

—Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”

—Forrest Tucker

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know.”

—Abraham Lincoln

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

—Mae West

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination.”

—Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

—Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”

–Oscar Wilde

“You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows.”

–The Earl of Sandwich

“That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.”

–John Wilkes’s response to The Earl of Sandwich

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”

—Winston Churchil

These were taken from the Dilbert Blog.  I found them through digg, but the site gave a 404. So technically, Igot it from a comment on that digg item. Either way, just wanted to share it.

1. Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
2. Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
3. Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
4. Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are while complaining how it’s a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
5. Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
6. Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
7. Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
8. Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire
9. Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer
10. Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
11. Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
12. Watch the lunatics take over the asylum: Teacher
13. Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
14. Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
15. Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
16. Tell forty year-old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
17. Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: Tv Ad Director
18. Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
19. Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
20. Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
21. Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
22. Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
23. Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
24. Do all the tasks nobody else wants to do: Admin Assistant
25. Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
26. Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
27. Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
28. Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
29. Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
30. Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
31. Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
32. Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
33. Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
34. Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
35. Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
36. Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer
37. Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester
38. Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
39. Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food Employee
40. Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director

His top 10
1. Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer
2. Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
3. Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
4. Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber
5. Copy and paste the Internet: Student
6. Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer
7. Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
8. Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
9. Run away and call the police: Security Guard
10. Sell magic potions filled with psychotherapy: Bartender

Drunken Elephants are bad, mmmkay?

“The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them,” Hilton said.

My first thought when I read this was that Paris wanted  to make sure the elephants were properly carded.

For real though, you got to admire Paris. Fuck trying to end world hunger, poverty, senseless war, human rights violations. Those causes are sooooo yesterday. Drunken Elephants is where the real publicity, er charity is at.

[Note: I got this from digg, the original site went down but I thought it was really funny and wanted to share with friends.]
What a classic answer…..

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG’S LIST

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 – 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows – lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults – I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them – in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful”
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way.
Classic “pump and dump.”
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know

1.) Regarding “A Full-scale Robotic Uprising”:

“There’s almost a kind of hopeless optimism hidden here. Besides the whole uprising thing, it still implies that mankind was able to, with hardware and software, create a race of beings that are actually way better than humanity. Think about that the next time Windows Vista stops and asks you if it has permission to run a program you just freaking told it to run 4 seconds ago...”